One of your friends got dumped by her partner. You want to help her through this difficult time. You’re wondering what could help your friend cope with the breakup. If a friend has lost their partner through separation or divorce, we may feel helpless and insecure.
It touches us when a close friend is desperate. Maybe we have to fight with tears and sadness in the presence of the abandoned friend because we have a painful separation behind us. Or we react with anger to the girlfriend’s partner. Maybe we freeze emotionally because we are afraid of the painful feelings of our girlfriend or our feelings.
We look for words of comfort for the pain of separation and ask ourselves what could alleviate it. So we may reach for words like:
- “I’m sure your partner will be back. He’ll realize what he had in you and that the breakup was a mistake.”
- “You’re still young. You’ll find a new partner.”
- “Time heals your wounds.”
- “Think about what he’s already done to you. Your partnership hasn’t been good for a long time.”
Mostly it doesn’t make our girlfriend feel comforted. She could react like that:
“I’m sure your partner will come back to you…
The friend could believe them for a short time and feel comforted. But when she realizes that he’s not coming back, the pain comes back with full force.
“You’re still young, and you’ll find a new partner.”
The friend might think: “I don’t want a new partner at all. I can only be happy with my partner. Besides, it’s easy for you to talk. The best partners are taken. I’m not that young anymore. I’ll never be happy again.”
“Time heals your wounds.”
The friend might think: “Time can never heal my wounds. The only way my partner can heal me is if he comes back.”
“Remember what he’s already done to you…..
The friend might think: “That’s not true, we still loved each other, we just had a little crisis. If only he wanted us to make love again as we did at the beginning of our relationship. I still love him.”
How to cheer up your friend after his/her breakup?
This question is not easy to answer, because it depends on the personality of the friend. What is certain is that we cannot give the comfort she wishes for – namely that her partner comes back.
But otherwise, we have many possibilities, which naturally also depend on where the friend stands straight in the separation process.
Information on the individual phases that you go through after separation can be found in the separation pain help.
If you know how the separation phases work in principle, it will be easier for you to understand your girlfriend and her reactions.
What can you do for your girlfriend at the very beginning?
Just hold her friend and signal that you’re there for her. Listen to her, empathize with her and try to understand what she’s thinking and feeling. Be patient and accept that you are playing second fiddle right now, because your girlfriend is hardly wasting a thought on your feelings and your situation at the moment. She’s struggling to survive.
Later it can be helpful for your girlfriend.
Report about your own experiences in a similar situation, first only about how you felt then, and later, what helped you and how you mastered the position.
“What exactly can I do to help you?”
Of course, you should keep your promises. The motto is: touch, listen, talk and act.
All this presupposes that you can implement this. If you are emotionally affected, you may not have access to this knowledge. At a later stage, it may also make sense to carefully direct the girlfriend’s thoughts to what problems there were in the terminated partnership, what strengths it has and what new goals it could choose.
The help above is no guarantee that it will help your friend. Everyone reacts differently, imagines help differently and needs different support at different times. Sometimes he may only need a hug, at other times just a silent listener or a companion who takes him by the hand and activates him.
Important to know: You can only offer what you can consider helpful and give. Your friend decides whether she wants to accept your help and your comforting words.
Accept also your limits. If your girlfriend expects you to move in with her and be with her day and night, then this will overwhelm you in the long run. Then you need to talk to her about it and work with her to find another solution.
If the girlfriend doesn’t accept help and complains…
My best friend was unexpectedly abandoned by her partner two years ago. Since that time, the talks have been all about their pain, and bitterness. I understand that, and I want to help her, but she won’t take anything from me. My patience is slowly running out, and I’m annoyed at her.
Are you like that woman who asked my advice?
I replied: It is indeed not a bad intention of hers to take so much advantage of you with her problems. The separation has pulled the floor out from under her feet, and you are probably one of the few people who can still give her a little security.
Nevertheless, I think it is now time to think more about oneself again. Your anger indicates that the balance between giving and taking must be restored. First of all, it is good to give your girlfriend some feedback about your thoughts and feelings. This should not be done in a reproachful tone, but objectively and calmly.
For example: “You have had a hard time, and I was happy to be there for you. but I feel overwhelmed and helpless.”
Together with her friend, she could think about where and from whom she could get more intensive support.
For example, a separation management group or a psychotherapist could be considered. You can obtain addresses on the Internet or from your health insurance company.
At this point you can also address your wishes: “I wish that we share positive experiences with each other like…”
You don’t need to feel guilty when you address your wishes. This is important in a friendship. They’ve already taken two years off. Now it’s important for your friend to get back to life. You won’t help her if you keep listening to her complaints. You could also offer her that a meeting is about her problems at a particular time and then to do something together that will do them both good.
Except for some kinds words, below are top 10 tips which you can do to help your friend walk through more smoothly.
1. Let her express her feelings
The first thing to do when you learn that your friend has broken up with you is mere to listen to her, let her show her emotions and express them without intervening to try to reason with her.
2. Stay by his side
Don’t leave her alone, as long as she doesn’t express the need to isolate herself. Loneliness is a source of anxiety, anxiety and intense depression after a break-up. Even if morale is not at the party, improvise a girls’ night out with good food and a great movie, which will make him momentarily forget his situation.
3. Get her out of here.
If your friend stays at home, try taking her out for an afternoon of shopping, a restaurant with friends, a movie or any other friendly activity. The important thing is to give him back the desire to go out and enjoy life. A breakup hurts, but you also have to know how to get your hair back from the beast!
4. Remind her how much she means to you and that she has the strength to overcome the breakup.
Feel free to compliment him from the heart. Remind her of all those times when she was brave when she overcame her difficulties when she surpassed herself. When you break up, your self-confidence falls apart, and you feel terrible about yourself. All we see is his flaws and weaknesses. It is your role to cheer her up and remind her that she has all the strength she needs to move on.
5. Avoid ready-made sentences
Nothing is more unpleasant for someone who has just broken up than to be told boat phrases such as: “one lost, then found.” If you want to console your friend, try to think about what was right for you when you were going through the same thing or what you would have liked to have been told at that time. Don’t overwhelm him and don’t make fun of what happens to him. But don’t be afraid to be clumsy, the important thing is that your friend feels that you are sincere with her and that you are there to support her.
6. Talk to her about her relationship
To turn the page on a relationship, it is essential to realize that it was not a positive and fulfilling relationship, quite the contrary. Discuss it with your friend. Don’t speak ill of the other directly, let her do it. Ask her what was wrong with her relationship, what were the flaws, the unbearable little manias, what she hated most about him, what she couldn’t do freely as a couple. In short: open his eyes to the toxic nature of his relationship. This will significantly help him move on.
7. Don’t criticize his ex
If your friend secretly wants her ex to come back and hopes to fix the broken pots, she may get upset when you tell her that her relationship can’t work. And in that case, you’ll be at fault when you’re trying to do the right thing!
Remind her what she may have said to you in the past, using her own words, but do not take the initiative to criticize her relationship. Just refresh his memory, without trying to discredit his relationship or his ex.
8. Don’t let her fall into a bandage relationship
After the emotional disappointment, some people quickly, or even rapidly too, find themselves in a new relationship and form a new couple, hoping to overcome their discomfort. Unfortunately, a couple starting out on such fragile foundations is in most cases likely to lead to a further disappointment. Give her a gentle warning. Explain that for the moment it is not a good thing to do and that she has plenty of time to find someone who will suit her much better, knowing that whatever happens, you will always be there for her.
9. Answer his SMS, calls or emails
Be there for your friend, either right after the breakup or much later. Your friend will undoubtedly experience moments of blues and deep sadness, even several weeks after the breakup. Answer her emotional distress calls, be reassuring and patient. It is important that she feels supported by one of the people who matter most to her.
10. Take care of her!
The ultimate advice is just this: take care of her. A small gift, a phone call from time to time, a kind word, a little attention, an outing, a service… everything is good to show her that you care about her and that you care about her. Think of something that would please him and you should be able to put some balm in his heart. Besides, the simple fact of knowing that you are close to her in these difficult times will be the highest proof of friendship you can bring her.